Bonus Episode 5: How to get your kids to listen!

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Hi guys, Wendy here. Welcome to the healthy and thriving career moms podcast, your weekly dose of inspiration and motivation for thriving with your healthy habits, especially in the midst of the crazy mom juggle. I get that you're busy and that taking time for you is not always easy, but I'm here to help.

So let's jump in. Hello, lovely and welcome to today's bonus episode. How to get. To

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listen. As a health and wellness coach who specializes in supporting moms in particular working moms to go from burnt-out to actually enjoying their everyday life. One of the things that I'm so often speaking to my clients about is the burnout and the stress that comes with parenting, because it's not something that people teach you how to do.

And so when you're trying to juggle. All the things that as working moms have to juggle, and then your kids, aren't listening to you. And you're trying to get out the door in the morning or trying to get stuff done.

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You just want to lose your mind. So inevitably comes the bribery, the shouting, all the stuff we start shooting on ourselves.

We shouldn't do that. Or the mum guilt kicks in. It's just really not a great place to be, which is why I invited Camilla Mela from keeping your cool parenting into my healthy and thriving career moms, Facebook community level. To talk to us about how to get kids to listen. And in this interview, which I'm about to share, she's shared these three incredible

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steps on what to do, and it was literally game changing.

And the feedback that I've had on this master class has been so incredible that I knew immediately. I had to turn this into a podcast episode ASAP. So this is what we're about to tune into is last week's masterclass. But before we do. Do you make sure that you go and join a healthy and thriving career mums Facebook group.

The link is in the show notes, or you can just search for it in Facebook. And I hope you get

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so much value from today's episode. It has been a game changer for me already in my parenting these last few days. And I'm sure it will be the same for you. We're happy to have you here. Thank you so much for having me.

I'm so excited. I know you've got some fantastic information that you want to share with us today, but just before we get into that, could you tell us a little bit about yourself and your story, your parenting story. Yes. No, I would love to because it, my kids, my son just turned 15 last week. He's not taller than me

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and my daughter is 13 in April.

And when I had my son, he was the most laid back, baby. He didn't, I didn't touch was never cry. He was just so compliant. And I actually thought I was the most epic parent

and he was just so easy. I was like, and then my daughter came along and then it was like, wow, like she's used to have like the biggest tantrums, like foam at the mouth.

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And she would listen. She literally said like the witch had come. She took over family life. I was fighting with my husband over the best need to discipline her.

My mother-in-law used to tell me a veteran and I'm to forget about it for a while and just nothing, nothing work. And I, and I remember going to bed feeling that I was coming down with the flu and just realize you've been shouting all day and didn't realize that. Yeah. So was just stuck in that cycle of stress, like nothing was working.

And I remember

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when this was going on. About three, four up to about the age, to about age. And I remember when she was four. I remember having this, this is my epiphany, I was dragging that at the supermarket. She just had another meltdown. I was like, I think just leave the trolley of food. Cause it was just like, I was mortified, like

screaming. And I remember driving out of the supermarket, holding her a bit too tight under the arm, like

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trying to drag her. And I remember thinking I'm gonna win. I'm gonna win. That's my thought in my mind was I'm going to win. And I was thinking of all the things I was going to do. to her, when I got home play dates and she wasn't going to watch TV on month, then all the October things I was going to do to have to pay it back, having about down the supermarket was like, oh my God, if I'm winning and she's losing.

And it was the first moment I suddenly realized that why am I fighting with my daughter? Like we're on the same

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team. And that was the turning point for me to realize I have to be another way. I was feeling like there was something wrong with me. Like I was trying to multi-step and taking things away and what the whole child and nothing was working.

So I started thinking that it was something wrong with me. Like obviously there was something wrong with my daughter. She's the devil child and she's defiant and there's something wrong with her and it wasn't, it was just this model. And I think so many of us go up with, which is like the win lose

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paradigm, which is, it is the rewarding punishment.

Isn't it? It's the, we're not in charge. This is the thing I was thinking. There's days, like if I'm not controlling my daughter, then she's winning as, or if, if she's having them out and then I have to give up, that is so true because I find myself slipping into those patterns. Even now. I'll be like, just you saying that I'm thinking, I'll say to my husband, like she will not, when

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I suppose you grow up with this, I certainly like our generation. It was shifting out of that, but I suppose our parents' generation. Children must be seen and not heard. We came along. We kind of started to come a little bit out of that, but we still, we do as parents, what we saw being done today. Oh, a hundred percent when we do the complete opposite or we don't want to be shouted and punished.

So we don't cross our boundary. We don't have any boundaries and the kids are willing to boost. And then we hated every swing completely on the way and lose our plot, because

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we are, we all want to be ourselves. There'll be a lot of moms listening to this right now that are like, yep, that's my life. This is what I'm living.

Right. And can I just address the point? And this is me with sort of my health coach hat, but I feel like there comes all the shame and the guilt, the mum guilt. Oh, the mum guilt is a killer, but then the shame and. How do you, who do you talk to about this? Like who can teach you this? Who

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can help you with this?

Because somehow we just supposed to be expected to parents, but no teaches us. That's the thing with me. I didn't know. There was another way. You know, when we say we've tried everything, the only other thing we're trying to them, and I want to address the guilt thing for parents is because guilt is actually a good thing.

Guilt means that you want something different for your family. There are plenty of families that don't give a crap about shouting at their kids. Yes, they don't. They don't care. That's not on the radar yet. So you've

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you feel guilty about that? That means you want something more for your family. That's actually a good thing.

That means that you all wait, cause you want something different. So guilt is actually a good catalyst to change. Yes. I want to find another way this isn't working. So guilt is good guilt only because shame, if we don't do anything about the guilt and then we think we're wrong. But when I was stuck in that cycle, I was thinking there's something wrong with me, which turned to shame.

But

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only because I was thinking it was about me know about the tools I was using. So no one likes to be controlled. So when they're stuck in that cycle, I used to think, oh my God, my daughter would listen to. That was my fault. Listen, I wouldn't shout. And I was blaming her and she was thinking if only mommy, didn't shout, listen.

So you're just in this complete struggle. I want you instantly. And I'm just, I'm just looking on the chat. So if anybody resonates with what we're talking about, their

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keys, you know, feel free to add your comments or maybe you want to share, like, do you resonate with the mum guilt or, yeah, I just think that's so relevant like.

And just so empowering. It ends because you get to decide what you want guilty. You know, when we look at guilt, guilt is it's either guilt that we want something different, which is you can really ask yourself, like when you're coaching, what do you want? Or guilt is kind of like leftover from our childhood that we should, like, we should do it

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or putting on ourselves.

Raise well behaved, beautiful children who sit and eat their food and do all the things. But at the end of the day, and I think someone posted in our healthy and thriving three moms community today that, and I just love that they get down at their child's level and really to try to understand like from their points.

So what, so you had this epiphany and you realize it, if I'm winning, she's losing. So then how did

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you go on this journey to where you are now and actually teaching parenting? Yes. So I started reading books and websites and stuff, and I, I signed up to become a parent coach in a company in London, and it should be five days.

And it was like, there you go. You're a parenting coach. And for me, that wasn't enough because it was like, okay, I have all their workbooks, but five days wasn't enough. So I, and then there's a few things that didn't resonate with me. With, with how, how they explained things and how, how they saw things. And I came

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across this website called language of listening, which just spoke to me.

So amazingly the lady that started it from Sandy Blackheart, she's really clapped the 10 times. She's taken really just how humans, well, just your kids, but how you work, you really understand like why you would shout and so compassionate. It's like, I understood exactly why I was shouting, why it made perfect sense.

Like everything you do makes perfect sense. Even when, even if you don't like it, even if you don't like your kid's behavior, it still makes sense. And she's consolidating.

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Transformational coaching play therapy and cognitive therapy into his three step coach that is easy to use, but just works. And what is so amazing is that it changes, it changes how you see the world.

So when you change how you see the world, when you change, how you see your child's behavior, when you change, how you see your role as a parent, you'll be acting towards my future. It's that

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quote, when you change, how you see the world, everything changes. Yes. And it really isn't like that. It's like this light bulb goes on and you will never see things differently.

And it's three steps. It's really easy to remember. And it, instead of you having to control your child's behavior, you are on their side. As they like. So you are waiting, can be opening out their strengths. So you're raising children who know their self worth now how to get what they want, know how to

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find solutions to their problems now how to get their needs met or within.

I would say, because the minute you say, like, know how to get what they want immediately, your hackles go up and you're like, no, but then they'll just want junk food and iPad and

connotation rather than all in human being. I feel maybe this is really simplistic, but I just feel. Oh, any human being really wants is to feel

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content, right? Let's be the best version of ourselves. Yeah. Or like, I want to be so happy and it's like, actually people just want to be content to humans and they no difference.

We want to vase humans, you know, what they want because what they w what we want and what we like is really the essence of who we are. Yes. So if we're always denied what we want to, we're told that the, see for one second. You know, we don't know who we are. We become adults. We just

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think we have to please other people.

And this is where it's stuck. So we have to like, Well, I'm a recovering people pleaser, for sure. So if you're one of those people, pleasing people, then it starts in the childhood and we develop that self esteem to ask and communicate for what you want. Okay. So please tell me, you're going to teach us this framework.

Okay. Cause I've gotten some comments yet, like from people that I just know, like personally I'm

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so frustrated. Helen's just saying. Yeah. I think guilt is painful and the frustration of not dealing with the situations better. Yes. Yes. So the three steps, it always starts with something. The first step is the step or connection, which starts with the neutrals division about what is happening.

It's actually something called something. We say saying what you see, say what you see. It takes you out of judgment because so much of the time when we start an interaction with our children about what we think has

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happened or what we want to happen or direction or place, and our kids see the world so differently than we.

And so when you start with say what you see, you know, for example, I was social. I could see my daughter not listening, or I can see misbehavior, actually. You can't see not listening. It doesn't exist. It's not true. Um, I can see what I teach my little rainbows. Great. But if on Monday I'm like, let's put on listening ears

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on, but when you start with.

It gets you out of judgment. So say instead of saying, we're not listening really in the moment you're lining or trucks up, just how you want them. You're putting everything in order, you know, you're so organized. We'll go straight onto the strengths. Yes. We bring out, we connect them to that. So you're automatically connecting.

And when kids don't feel defensive, straight away, they're defensive or imagined someone

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just walks up to you as an adult in the street and was like, you're not listening. And you'd be like, oh yeah, you don't want to listen to someone who's just not listening or whatever. So the same, what you see is that, and this neutral observation.

And we start with this and what you, you know, your, what your child is doing, saying, feeling or thinking. And there's lots of examples, but it really does change how you see. And then we have two steps of the guidance steps. So instead of seeing

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behavior as light or wrong, good or bad, which we tend to do. Behaviour is neither good or bad.

It's just an expression of emotions and our reactions and our kids react to us. It's not just their behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum. They're also reacting to us. So that's why when we change, how we show up, they will eventually change. But then we have two steps. We have a step where we see something we like.

We point out as strength is, think of the strength as praise in a new way. It's not about us. A lot of praises about,

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I liked the, you just did that. Yes. We praise the goods. We're raising people, raising children whose sole purpose is to please us. So it's not because we, you know, we say this, you know, we showed attention and show connection with nephews and us, and then when they're not using us, Yes.

It's very manipulative. Yeah. It is weird but a traditional parenting. It's all about controlling our kids. It is driving them and controlling them and

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bending them to your well. Yeah. And so that's why I have relationships in the future. We don't want our kids to be controlled. So if we're using that more. And we're teaching them.

That's the model. When someone doesn't do something, I like, then I can ignore them or be mean to them. So you think like when obviously my daughter's not listening and I'm like, I'm going to take away your iPads and I'm well, I'm going to take your stars away on the reward. Someone did that to me. I wouldn't want to listen to them.

They might do it on your dress, but they're not doing it because of,

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and then she said, I want to lose those stickers, but I've won and she's lost. Yeah, but she's doing it out of resentment. She's not building that. Like a light bulb is switching in my brain right now. So for me, when she's not listening, I would go and say, well, it looks like you're busy doing something.

You like finishing what you started. That's a great strength. Yes, you can. You can start with the strength pointing that out, that you're not ready to

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finish and it's dinner time. I'm wondering how you can finish up and come for dinner. Can you see that? You're already on her side. Trying to find a solution.

The boundary of dinner doesn't change because it's dinner time because I'm not coming in to demanding and, you know, and trying to coerce her she's on your together, trying to feel on her side, trying to find a solution. So she might say to you, Hey mommy, I just want to finish this page, or I just want to finish this bit of the Lego and you can then decide, is that, is that a good thing?

And then you're

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working together to find that solution. She feels heard, she feels validated. She feels what she wants. You want to listen to someone who values, if you feel valued and you feel understood and you feel connected, you're automatically going to want to listen. So she's automatically going to want to listen to you.

She cares what you think because you care what she thinks. So that's really the model, how that works. And it's so simplistic, but I suppose again, it's just all those overriding neural

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pathways of just how we were brought up. And it was like, you are told what to do and you listen because what you have to listen to me why?

And yeah, that's just such a breath of fresh air. So I'm writing this down. So say what you see. Yeah. So the strength is really, this is the quickest way we can change our child's behavior because we all act according to who we believe we are. So one of that language listening is that it has this three coffins for us to say what you see the strengths and the candies.

And it comes to these,

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these four principles. So with the strength is like children act according to who they believe they are. So when you point out as strengths, they automatically change their behavior because that's how they see them. So I'm I'm causing, you can find solutions. I like finishing, well, I start, these are all strengths that your child, based on future actions in their future, in a voice.

Well, I've got to go in the game, you know, mommy's just going to take my stickers away. Yes. It's like, oh, I might say, I want to find out when I started or

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I can get what I need within the boundary. You're raising children that you can think and find solutions. Absolutely loving this. I'm going to be trying this a minute.

My daughter wakes up in the morning to me about so a typical situation. The time you're watching the clock. You know, you need to get out the door for school in 10 minutes. Otherwise you're going to be late, she is my daughter someday. Pretty brilliant. And he, she can dress herself, do everything herself, brush her teeth.

Like I'm an old other days,

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LA LA LA playing with all the things tardy distracted. And then you're just like, come on, come on, come on, come on. So how would you, like, you can feel the stress rising in you now, cause you can't be late because you know, and then she get in trouble. You know how in that situation.

It's all lovely. And when you've got time and you can sort of, oh, you know, but like in practical terms, like what would you do in that situation? Well, to be honest is don't try and convince her a lot of

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the time in these situations is we go into convince mode and we get all the reasons why she needs to say you're going to be the last in your class or at the other one I do, which is terrible.

I don't know. Cause she's got little bestie up the road and I'll be like, I was just going to beat you to school.

Yes, it is frustrating. And there's some days I'm going to get there some days you just have to get some of these situations as quickly as possible, because that's all we can do in those moments is

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get through the tricky situation. It's when things happen continually the same thing, then it would come back and you would find the cans.

You find solutions that would work for you in those moments. The thing is with the boundaries, don't try and convince the children to have the same boundaries or kids have a different agenda than you do. Yes. Don't try to like get them to she's. She's doing her makeup in the mirror. Like she tells me makeup, um, ed, we're listening to this and so she's not dressed.

We have got five minutes. What am I saying to

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her? Yeah, I would say, say what you see is making, right? Like you just want to finish your makeup. You just want to, you really want to finish what they're doing. My five year old daughter does not wear makeup. She's putting makeup on. She thinks she does, so you can connect in that way and then you'd go straight to the.

They see kids really are motivated by what they want, but also to find solutions rather than getting stuck in trying to get them to want to come. It is moving forward quickly to

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find those solutions as quickly as possible. You want to finish your makeup? How can we get that? How can you finish what they're doing?

And at the same time, we've got to leave the house and you're getting ready to leave the house. This is the psychology that I work with my clients on. It's that age old. So you've highlighted what the ideal outcome is. It's like the whole thing we say, don't think about a pink elephant. Do not think about a pink elephant.

And I bet you, all that you think about right now is big pink elephant. So it's that positive psychology. So rather than highlighting the thing you

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don't want them to do. So. Nice get rid of you. So we're not late. All her brain is thinking, oh, we're gonna be late. You know, it's like, it's focusing on the negative.

It's the same with like golfers, you like, don't hit it in the water. Don't hit it in the water. That's what you're saying in your brain. And guess what your ball goes in the water. If you go and get it on the green, get it on the green. That's where your mind the pause. So I think it's the same thing. So when you're saying, so how can we get you to finish up your makeup?

So that we can, yes. School on time. You see how you're on, on your side. Also, I want to say that your mind does play ticks.

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So when you are really stressed and you want to get into bed about the Dawn time, your brain is like, how's this going to happen? Your brain wants a plan. So your brain is thinking. How it's going to happen and it's already, already catastrophizing.

So, and that means I would've missed my first cold. And then to the end of the end of the end, his moms were like all the things that I'll brain are imploding. And our day is crumbling before our very eyes all because I told her we'd finished putting her makeup air quotes on like it's morning. Can

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anyone resonate with what happens is then you, it on the.

Is really high. Yes. Because in that moment we don't completely out of. Oh, in that moment, we have no idea how it was going to turn out. So what we tend to do is what gets, what's a big hit of power shouting at our kids, but our kids. Cause I found them. But quick, quick, yes we get, we felt a bit more hit where we're like, yeah,

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I want to say what happens if you have that always be all going to be on time. It's just a non-negotiable is just going to. When we show up with that energy and our kids know that we should be shocked with a different energy. We're not stressed and our kids can smell it when they do pick up on it. But we are going to need, we all going to leave.

You will find solutions. I promise you. You do. So I've got a question here from Helen who says any ideas on how to improve the leaving of like the beach

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slash playground slash party situation. How old is it? How old is the child. So I'm thinking, this is what both, Helen's got two children and one of them is four and one of them.

The six-year-old is very spirited. So that's a transition step. Yes. A lot of kids find it very difficult changing from one place to another. So I would actually in that, in that, give him a can-do, which

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has when leaving in however long it is. What's the one thing you want to do before. So putting him in charge of choosing one thing to do.

Yes. So one is. Helping him feel to get again, a bit of power, meet his need for power within the can-do that's as long as it's okay with you. Okay. I love that is that is your role is in landrace and we have something called success. Training really is a hallmark of success training. Is where you were supporting or trying to think about it,

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your child leaving.

He has to learn to talk to some point. Then he has to learn how to handle his emotions. He has to learn how to feel successful. So when you're, you're holding the boundary, you're helping him meet his needs within the boundary. We also supporting your child to learn those big emotions. It's okay. That your child's upset your child.

Doesn't have to be happy about it. Okay. If you, your goal is allowed to be upset. I feel like we just need to talk about quickie because. This is something I wish I could remember where I read

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it the other day. And it was an absolute light bulb for me that as a mother, we are not responsible for our children being happy all the time.

Let me just say that again. As a mother, it is not our responsibility to make our children happy all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, Okay. Yeah, that's a good point because we are so consumed with making our children's lives as easy

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and as happy and as stress-free and as wonderful as possible. But actually they need to learn to lean into the uncomfortable emotions and get through them because otherwise, what happens if your children one, they push that because nobody wants to be fixed and people want to feel, they want to feel that it's okay to feel sad, because if you're trying to fix you, you're saying that there's multiple sides.

But if your sole purpose is to make our kids happy, you were actually

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amazing an adult who won't be happy because if you think about, yeah, it's really true. It's actually has the opposite effect because to think, to be a happy. You have to learn how to navigate knives. You have to learn to find you all going to have to be, you don't know what the future holds for your kids.

So what I love about language of listening as it raises kids, not only do they know their self-worth, they know what they want. They know how to find solutions to get where they want within your body. And holding boundaries is actually the opportunity for

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personal growth because they're learning self who fall that learning to adapt and then learning huge amounts.

You know, how to, what would people, how to come up with solutions, all things that are actually going to help them be successful and happy. And if you are trying to make your kids happy the whole time, it's one, it's exhausting too. It can't be done. It's an illusion and it's exhausting. It is exhausting. It is to meet other people's happy, but I do believe it starts at hotter because if you think, if you raise children with the praise model,

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that is what they're doing.

You're saying I am giving you my attention for pleasing. Yes. So we look outside ourselves and validation. Yes. And if they're not getting praised for loss and validation, you know, from, from us growing up and they're going to look to their peers later, rather than inside intrinsically, or do they want, what do they do?

Oh my gosh. I like that is just such a key point because I often think having a five-year-old and I went for a walk with a friend today and she's got a

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16 year old and I was just, she was talking about like navigating that now and how hard that is. And I was just like, I am so scared of doing teen. I mean, my teen years were hard enough and I was told that anxiety inducing enough, not social media.

So how am I going to support my daughter through that? But what you just, you know, my daughter is 13 and April. She came to me when she was lost.

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One of the knockdowns we went for. And she's, and she's, she's going to crazy, like drawing mayhem and she's not like a typical 12-year-old. And she said, I just love my style. I just love where I went.

And she's like, oh, she basis her decision on the music. She likes who she is. And. Yeah. And I think that this way there's nothing to rebel against because you're not trying to control them. If you're controlling your kids as

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teenagers, as young kids, when they get to teenagers. You know, stick your finger up. I'm not going to listen to you.

I don't care what you think. So this way you actually, they know that self worth. They don't have to get it from that peers and, you know, whatever life they can handle it. That's what I love about language of listening. And I think if anything you think, well, what's my motivation. For adopting this now it's like, well, actually it's the children that you preparing for the future.

So, oh my goodness.

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Imagine. So your daughter's 13. Now this epiphany three to four years old. You started this journey like, and now you, your daughter has that self worth. And that's just, that's so inspiring to me because I'm at the age now where I feel like we're hitting that crucial time. I feel like those first few years of being a parent, your job is just really to be, keep them alive.

You know them, they just do what you say. They just, now it's the boundary testing and it's like the, oh my goodness. Now I'm actually going have to parent, like, I'm actually gonna have

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to teach my child what to do here. This is like exhausting. And I think that's the thing that becomes so overwhelming and anxiety and stress and juicing, both for moms, especially if you're trying to work.

If you being, especially a single mom, whether you buried and maintaining a relationship, what, you know, being a friend, doing all the things that we have to do. And then when your kids are not listening on top of that, yes. Just pray. And that's where we go off on the wrong path. When we feel powerless in a situation

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and things aren't going to pound we do as humans is that we blame another person or we blame our circumstances rather than actually coming back to you.

This is a situation. What can I do with it? That's why the do so I was going to say, and also say what you see.

So when we find ourselves spiraling, it's like, say, Yeah, get you back into the moment. Absolutely. Like amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing. And I

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knew it would be, I knew it would help. I mean, the comments coming through like Helen was saying, thank you so much for that tip about the beach and playground leading situation.

She's actually going to try that. That's amazing. So I just want to thank you so much. I know that your sort of the primary way that you help people is through. Parenting one-to-one coaching sessions, which obviously is so nice because then you can really get to like the root of what their situation is.

I'd give examples, like it's typical in a group environment. Cause everyone's got

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different things. So actually if you feel like, because again, we're not taught this stuff. If you feel like you need that one-to-one coaching session, we committed to be like, right, this is what's going on right now. Help me like.

And not even a powerhouse and empowerment hour, we can get that coaching from you and get their specific needs and examples and situations addressed in their family. So if you feel like your kids are brilliant in your life and take a really sort of taken over and causing you stress and I would highly

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recommend, but I know Camilla, you're already happy to be able to reach out to you and just even book it like an introductory call, just to see.

How you're able to help them, is that right? Yes, definitely. On my website, I've got a link, so you can broken strange my calendar and rangy. Give us some details of your website there for those listeners, keeping your cool parenting.com. I've also got a free download. If you join in my mailing list, you'll get more information that way.

Well, I love your emails. They so good that we just gave me little nuggets and remind me,

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and I love you personal stories that you. Oh, thank you. Yes. I think maybe living it. I think that's the thing is like, is completely changing my family and just knowing. And it's so much simpler because you don't have to fix it.

It we'll make your kids happy and you can still get what you worked. Yeah. So have you got value from this today? Tell your friends, let them know about Camilla book, your introductory call with her. I know it's like no obligation just to easy chats. And then if you want to

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take that onto one-to-one coaching to support you and your family right now.

Uh, but tell everyone about the language of listening, tell them about Camilla and let's help all the stress moms out there not be so stressed and know that there was a better way. So thank you so much for joining us and sharing more about this today. I'm so appreciative. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you for listening to the healthy and thriving career moms podcast. For more resources to support you on your journey. Visit my website,

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wendygriffith.co.uk. And please also come join our Facebook community healthy and thriving career mums. This is a safe, no judgment space where we share and inspire each other.

And if you got value from today's episode, I'd be so grateful. If you would share this with other career moms who would benefit too, either through social media or leaving a five-star review, you can find me at Wendy Griffith, live healthy on Instagram and Facebook until next time God bless. Stay healthy and keep thriving.